I had a few more requests for PhotoChops.

First up, the Kelty Commando:






I pity da fool who question my integrity:



Sloth loves Chunk:



"Just trying to have a little fun, folks. "
-Dean Martin, The Sands Hotel & Casino, 1965

Labels: Ah-nold, comingling of campaign funds, Matt Kelty, Mr. T, PhotoChopping, Sloth loves Chunk

This slipped my attention last week...but anybody who reads here knows that this is the kind of stupidity that boils my blood. This is a letter that was in the Journal Gazette on September 21st of this year. IMAO, this lady's absurd rant exemplifies why our society is so messed up. My commentary is in green.

Public schools teach bad morals

Regarding Kerry Miller’s letter, “Standards needed for home schools” (Sept. 12): It is not that students don’t have curricula, they are simply not required to follow the state’s curricula.

It is not the government’s job to say what my child learns. Well, actually it is. If your child doesn't learn enough of the right stuff to become a productive member of society, they will likely become a ward of the State in one fashion or another...so it really is in the best interest of the general populace to ensure that a uniform level of education is available to all.

The government wants to teach my children that sex outside of marriage is OK as long as you use a condom and that getting an abortion is OK. I'm feeling completely ripped off here! I totally missed the classes in the public school that I attended that had these things in the curriculum. I bet the "Casual Premarital Sex for Adolescents" class would have had a 2 year waiting list. Furthermore, I only remember discussing abortion in three classes: Biology 2 (wherein descriptions of many medical procedures were taught), Current Social Problems and Group Discussion. I wish I'd seen the "Abortion is cool, everybody will like you" lecture series...but maybe it was only offered to people equipped with a uterus? Hell, I don't know. Seems like I would have heard something about it, right?

It wants to allow lobbying groups like the National Education Association to direct curricula, including the mandate to teach a radical homosexual agenda to all students in public schools. The NEA is not a lobbying group, it's a union. It's a union comprised of PROFESSIONAL EDUCATORS. Who else would you suggest to set curricula? The steamfitters union? The IBEW? Come the fuck on...

Furthermore, I have searched the NEA's website inside and out, and I still can't find even a paragraph relating to this "radical homosexual agenda." I even went so far as to scour The Bilerico Project, and they don't seem to have a copy of this agenda either. What radical agenda are you talking about? Please email me a copy of the Militant Homosexual Manifesto...I'm definitely curious as to its contents and I'm sure many readers would also like to see it.

The government wants to require all middle school-age girls to have the human hapillomavirus (HPV) vaccine because the government believes all teens will have sex and to teach my children that God doesn’t belong in the Pledge of Allegiance. First off, I am totally with you on the HPV vaccine thingy. Vaccines are troublesome and really serve no purpose. They don't save lives, they don't prevent disease, they just hurt and cost money. I think they are just a ploy to pad the pockets of big pharmaceutical corporations. BLAME PFIZER!!! Second, "God" DOESN'T belong in the Pledge of Allegiance. "Under God" was inserted in The Pledge in 1954 at the request of the Knights of Columbus...who in your eyes are a "lobbying group" I'm sure. Oh....wait...nevermind.

These are “elements of the culture” that my daughter doesn’t need to learn in school. From the sounds of it, she sure as shit isn't going to learn them at home either. I have an idea, why don't you let her learn about this stuff on her own after she leaves the nest...I'm sure she won't be bitter about her parents sheltering her. HA! Haven't you ever heard of the "Preacher's Daughter Syndrome?"

I also don’t believe my daughter needs to learn that it is OK to wear skimpy clothing or listen to offensive music. Once again, classes in which I would have adored having a chance to enroll. Damn. I would have tried to get the Skimpy Clothing for Nubile Hotties class early in the day, so that it would have worked out better with my schedule. It would have sucked to go to that class AFTER my Auto-erotic Manipulation and Technique lab.

The cultural values of decency, modesty and discipline are out the window at most public schools. Evidently, the intellectual values of logic, reason and freedom weren't popular with whatever public school you attended...either that or you just ignored all of that so you could continue to live in whatever bubble you were floating around in.

DAWN WOOTEN Fort Wayne

Who? Ohhhh, it's YOU! I know who YOU are!

h/t: Some anonymous commenter in this thread.

Labels: bigotry, bigots, Change Fort Wayne, drool, if breasts were brains, missing chromosomes, Stupid ideas, those wacky Christians, trailer park living, whiners

Some anonymous commenter on a different site said they'd pay a dollar to see a PhotoChop image of Matt Kelty busting out a roundhouse kick to Tom Henry's head. Since I am but a neutral bystander, and this scene is most improbable, I figured "Give 'em what they want!" So here you go:


It should be noted that most of the editorial staff here at J4TR believes that were this scene to actually materialize, two things would happen:

1. Kelty's ankle would shatter like glass against the iron will of Henry. Anyone who can resist the urge to publicly feast on their opponent's legal woes must truly have superhuman powers.

2. Kevin Knuth would likely come lurching from the shadows and in a grand display of Nunchaku prowess, prove once and for all that he really did play a stunt roll in the movie Big Trouble in Little China.

Labels: comingling of campaign funds, Democrats, karate chop, Kelty Fu, Matt Kelty, perjury, pork chops, Republicans with identity issues, tom henry

Buckeyes.

58-7 over Northwestern.

The Buckeyes (4-0) could've had their starters leave after two quarters for some tailgating outside the Horseshoe, which was hosting its 500th game.

Can I get an Amen?

Labels: Buckeyes, Ohio stuff

Some background

Ok, I confess...I'm a booze hound. Now, don't misunderstand me here: I'm not at all an alcoholic lush who drinks rubbing alcohol when the liquor cabinet runs dry. I'm more of an aficionado of spirits, really. You will occasionally find me chugging mass manufactured horse piss from cans bearing such labels as "Miller Lite" or "Busch Light," but that's really the exception and not the rule.

For the last ten-plus years of my life, I have been dabbling in the world of professional musical performance as a regular member of a dozen or so different rock bands. Some were relatively successful, others never made it past a rehearsal or two. Regardless, I've been performing in area bars anywhere between 1 and 4 times per week for the last decade. If you do the math, that's somewhere between 50 and 200 live performances per year. I would guess the total number of performances is probably about 1400, but I really haven't been keeping track.

How is this relevant, you ask? Easy: I have spent about 1400 days involved in the "business end" of the area tavern trade. I have spent countless hours chatting with tavern owners about the ups and downs of their experiences, I've seen first hand things that work and things that do not, and I've had front row seats to witness successes and failures make and break businesses for these folks.

The stage is set

Although many area readers know of my adamant distaste for most things conjured by our elected handlers, many may not be aware of the fact that I am equally disgusted by the complacency of the general public. More to the point, it absolutely grinds my ass that the public, by and large, just eat whatever shit sandwich is fed to them. Big brother knows best (HA! Right).

The FW smoking ban is no exception, but hey Fort Wayners, your elected officials were acting at your behest. You put them in charge and will probably continue to do so for quite some time. In my estimation, the Big Ban is something that was a long time coming, and although I disagree profoundly with the smoking ban philosophically, it's now a reality and it will not likely be undone (regardless what the Kelty Kool-Aid krowd says).

Act One

There are several different, yet all equally interesting side-effects of the Big Ban. First off, there was the initial bitch-fest that follows each and every piece of invasive legislation that the local elders generate (Smoking ban, Harrison Square, School facilities upgrade...you all get my point, I'm sure). You'll have to excuse my over-indulgent linking to Mike Sylvester and the local Libertarians for this article, but they have done a ridiculously good job of cataloging the public responses to the local issues that combined, make up the crux of this conversation.

Act Two

Then, directly after the bitch-fest came the threats of legal action. After weighing the scope and possibly extraordinary cost of pursuing a Constitutional challenge, even the lawsuit went away.

Act Three

Some local bars reportedly close their doors permanently on the heels of the implementation of the Big Ban, and subsequently it is determined that there may be an ongoing devaluation of locally held liquor licenses .

Act Four

A dramatic last gasp of air for the torch-and-pitchfork-wielding smoking mob.

As close as I can tell, there still hasn't been a "grand finale," and I don't expect there will be one. Much like in California, Ohio and other places all across our great country, the sheep are getting used to it...even the ones who smoke.

But why were some watering holes able to prosper under the regulations and others slid so quickly into the abyss? This may sound odd, but I think this is the part that makes the Big Ban so damn tolerable from an entrepreneurial and/or small business perspective:

The smoking ban is basically Darwinism for bars.

Hear me out on this...it may get messy before I bring it home!

The bars that went out of business at the drop of a hat were really just total shit to start with. They had nothing unique, no universal appeal, nothing noteworthy on which to pivot their business model...you get my point, right? Their locations weren't great, the atmospheres in those places were basically like that of an oversized Porta-John with coasters, and the clientele were largely people trying to avoid returning to their droll home lives before properly anesthetizing themselves.

These bars largely did absolutely nothing to draw in new crowds (the "regulars" paid the bills and kept the doors open, stools warm etc.), didn't advertise, didn't really clean or paint anything, they just kept repeating the same daily functions and yielding the same daily results.

I've got news for you: These places were going to close when the owners or all of the customers lost interest anyway. Their reprehensible display of apathy does not make them martyrs in my book as some have suggested, it just makes them fucking losers.

And as this Smoking Ban winds out its first six months, more of these businesses (currently on life support) will vanish into the night, most without a sound. Why? Because they're goddamn lazy. They didn't have the motivation, creativity or intellect to get their asses off the train tracks when the flashing gates came down.

So, even though I find you Ban-Happy authoritarian assholes to be little more than schmecter-dribbles on the underwear of civics, thank you for making Fort Wayne a more interesting town in which to get wasted.

Cheers!

Labels: Change Fort Wayne, Darwinism, Fort Wayne Smoking Ban, Small Business, Smoking Ban

My brother Mike is still updating his blog on a daily basis with all of the highlights of his trip to Viet Nam. Mike and his wife are adopting a 3-month-old boy from an orphanage in the northern part of the country.

Read the original J4TR.com announcement here.

Labels: family business, Kaduk stuff

I watched about 3 minutes of the Notre Lame vs. Michican't game yesterday.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

It did remind me of something, though. Oh, here it is now!

Labels: Go Blow, Muck Fichigan, Notre Lame

Labels: Martin's Allstars, rockstar night, thirsty thursday

Sunday 7: LSU, Oklahoma look golden as Michigan, Notre Dame look broken

The devolution will be televised: Notre Dame and Michigan are 0-2 at the same time, for the first time. Someone has to win Saturday when the Passive Irish play at The Quiet House.

Labels: fuck the domers, funny shite, Notre Lame, talentless hacks

Well, this is a difficult post for me. I am having quite a bit of trouble with the present tense/past tense/future tense configuration of my sentences. Let me calibrate for you (and me too, I guess).

Obviously, where we are sitting, today is today. You with me so far?

My brother and his wife are in Vietnam. Our today is their yesterday.

Their today is our tomorrow.

I hope you can see why this makes my announcement difficult! Well, let me make the announcement first.

Today is the big day! Or, more appropriately, last night was the big day, which to those in Vietnam was yesterday.

Grrr. Sorry about this...I'm really struggling with this clock/calendar thing. Did you notice?

Anyway, this is my new nephew and the brand-spankingest new addition to the Kaduk cabal, Thomas Michael Linh Kaduk:










Pretty cute for a little kid, eh? Here he is with my sister-in-law, Susan:


If you are so inclined, you can follow Mike and Susan's Vietnam adoption adventure online at This Link. There are pictures, videos and Big Dong (you'll see what I mean).

Anyway, the whole story of their quest to adopt a child is spelled out in fairly fun and easy-to-read snippets. It's worth the 15 minutes it takes to read it.

Once my brother gets back to the States in a couple of weeks, I'm gonna have to show him how to set up a blogger account instead of that whack-ass Geocities tripe.

Labels: Big Dong, family business, Kaduk stuff, miscellaneous

Why is it that when U of M starts losing games, fans and pundits always blame the coach? Lloyd Carr has always followed U of M Athletic Department protocol by courting and signing players that haven't the slightest idea how to make themselves part of a cohesive team unit. Now that they have stacked the entire team with a bunch of self-centered glory-hog players, they are reaping exactly the results any normal person would expect from the combination of those caustic ingredients.

Labels: fuck the wolverines, Michigan sucks, Ohio stuff, really stupid people, Stupid ideas, talentless hacks

....Ann Arbor is still a whore.

Labels: college, drool, hilarious, miscellaneous, Ohio stuff, pompous asses, really stupid people, rednecks, salad tossers, Skoal, Snap, talentless hacks

"It was at this point, I thought I was listening to Keith Olbermann. That's when it dawned on me. Bin Laden isn't just a terrorist. He's worse. A liberal!"



The transcript of the rambling video of Bin-Laden reads more like an everyday "progressive post" on Huffington, Move-on or DU, than that of the worlds' most wanted terrorist. The Daily Gut aptly points out the startling similarities of Osama & our friends right here in the Democratic Party. (shown here with Olby)

"So, when one political party shares a war-time agenda with the guy who's trying to end your civilization, isn't it time to stop renewing Bill Maher's contract? I mean, if Usama wrote these sentiments on a job application, he could land a spot on the View."



http://www.dailygut.com/index.php?i=3245

It is pretty weird when both the Dems & Osama have the same talking points, isn't it?


UPDATE......Even New York Times' David Brooks thinks he sounds like a "lefty blogger"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQhXQF81Fus

Labels: funny shite

In light of the recent uproar on a scantilly-clad woman on Southwest Airlines, check out this vintage commercial!





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDeladw3VyU

Labels: just funny

Fred Phelps and his gaggle of twisted, spineless freaks have started a blog. Ok, more like several blogs. Aren't we lucky? Here's a quick taste of the vapid nonsense they are blogging about:

Your Humanistic And Perverse Notions Of "Love" Are Nowhere Near God's Prescribed Words & Deeds Of Love ~ And You Know That!

Wow. Thanks Shirley.

And what's Fred been up to?

Boston firefighters are in hell! God hates Boston, God hates Boston firefighters!

Ahhh. Gotcha.

These idiots need to go away. But no, they just keep putting up website after website full of their nonsensical horseshit:

Priests rape boys

The Signs of the Times

God Hates America

God Hates Fags

As far as I'm concerned it's ok to engage in the mythological worship of your choice and to revel in its glory or whatever. But for fucks sake, why won't these assholes just go away? We've got real problems to deal with.

Labels: bigotry, bigots, blowhards, pompous asses, sick fuckers, those wacky Christians

A water park? That's great. Where do you live again? What city, I mean?

Little boys will be allowed in the water park, right? Are there houses for rent in this "North River" area?

~Dean Schwartzmiller - Prolific child molester, child pornographer and vocal proponent of a Fort Wayne Water Park

Labels: Change Fort Wayne, nice comb-over, sick fuckers, stupid white-trash brainstorming

Enough already! Karaoke is fun to do when you're drunk.

Karaoke is NOT fun to watch on TV. Frankly, it sucks. Could the network execs please try to hatch some ideas that don't involve idiots singing at one another?

Photochop Image courtesy of the J4TR image hacking staff.

Labels: boys with girl hair, boys with girl toys, Richard Gere's pet salon, talentless hacks